i wanna say hi
but
i
just

can't.

refused

so my blog officially has 3 readers. ^^
haha
salamat

i just realized how such a baby i am and how much precious time i have wasted & how insecure i am.
geez...

when will i grow up?

my mind's in a mess right now,
my thoughts unorganized,
my emotions all mixed up.

*sigh
a lot of things happened today.
first, we lost a friend because of dengue. she's a friend's cousin who we all considered as a friend we met online. she lives in cebu & it was really unfortunate that we never had the chance to hang out with her, to laugh with her & do a lot of fun crazy stuffs with her. im soo worried about my friend. they treat each other like sisters & not just cousins. she's in deep grief right now.

second, i received a job offer. the company i applied for last week cant afford to give me the salary amount i expect to receive & they're giving me a multitasking position with a basic salary that's waaay way lower than makati's minimum. decision making was tough. it took me a day to decide on. i said yes but it makes me sad cuz i don't think i deserve that pay for a multitasking job plus transportation costs a lot too. but still i said yes.i dunno if they would still take my yes cuz i sent my email after their office hours.

third, it's the first time i enjoyed imus plaza with the company of mia & my inaanak cayleb. we took loads of pictures & got friendly with the vendors. mia's really fun company!she's confident in everything & she's really very friendly. ^^

so there. i dunno what emotion should surface for today's happenings.
*sigh

physically...

mentally...

spiritually...

i am.

i feel such a loser

:(

that's what i keep telling myself at the moment.

i applied for a part time home-based editorial abstracting job. even though it's for part time only, i still have to go through an english exam and get interviewed. it makes me nervous cuz ive never gone through exams when i applied in my past job, though i was very nervous during the interview.

so an exam- first time after a long time! i think it has been more than 2 years since i last took an exam, and that was still back in college. it makes me nervous being clueless on what will come out or what type the exam will be. if they would be asking about transforming this sentence to this type of sentence, oh geez i don't think i will make it. i mean i don't remember how you call types of sentences. are they gonna make me write an essay? will they give me enough time to finish it?

i try not to pressure myself that much by reading a friend's blog who writes english very well--his choice of words, sentence construction, the proper punctuation, the rules- he does everything well. i read them so that i'll be able to absorb his way of writing but his blog entries this past few days were full of negativity, rants, angst,depression and insecurities. so i stopped reading and started blogging here.

it has been three months since i resigned & i haven't been earning since then. i dunno why during these 3 months, it doesn't seem to bother me being at home and penniless. well, i admit it bothered me a little but still it didn't give me the drive to get back to working. i'm thinking there must be a problem with me.

i dunno but i seem to have a fear of conversing with people with higher ranking than me or to someone who i know i need to please. it's like it feels so annoying having the need to act and speak so formal, so nice/polite to them. it feels so awkward-i don't like feeling awkward. just knowing that i have to meet people for the first time bothers me already & makes me back out too if possible. it must be pride? or i get intimidated easily? argh! i know these people don't have the intentions my paranoid mind suggests. > . <

i also don't like when people here at home bug me or make a big deal out of my business-applying for a job more specifically. i mean i know you know it cuz you can see it but don't bug me about it cuz i will share it with you if i want too or if im already in the mood to announce it. am i such a private person? am i being too moody? it's just me! u think i'll be needing a psychologist to fix this character? aish...

but an incident i can't openly share woke me up from this funemployment(pun intended).

whether i get this part time job tomorrow or not, i will still send my resume for a full time job to this company i prospect.

hoping to have a good weather for a good mood tomorrow~
wish me a good sleep tonight and full of luck tomorrow!

it's just so hard to go online seeing all the depressing state of every Filipinos drastically affected by the typhoon Ondoy. I just can't keep myself updated with all these depressing stories.

So i took time off to pray, which to tell you honestly is something i haven't done for a long time already. *sigh

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thank you very much.
God bless the Philippines