so i know this day would come...wazzup with today?

i suddenly woke up at around 3:30 am today, with a rush of thoughts running through my head. it's almost 2 months since i chose to be a bum. 2 months had passed with me blogging, surfing the net, watching & updating myself with kpop. but thinking of it now, how does that kind of lifestyle help me to become a better person? to be a productive citizen of this country? does it do something to help me survive in the future? now it bothers me.

if i would put in detail of what happened in the 2 months of my bumness: waking up late,eat brunch,check the kpop forums,check tumblr,post at twitter,post at tumblr,take a bath,watch whatever kpop,download kpop,check korean sites on nail art & just enjoy their blog posts,tumblr,twitter,chat,sleep at around 10pm. being a mouse potato-that's what exactly bums do. my 2 months revolve on kpop and just kpop.

when i resigned, i promised myself that i would never utter the phrase "it's so boring/i'm bored" cuz i said to myself that i would do every preparation needed for me to get hired & be an effective employee in my next job. i even gave myself a timeline when to stop relaxing,to practice adobe indesign,adobe flash,a deadline for me to finish my portfolio, to complete my resume & cover letters. i was getting ready, even my friends gave me companies where to apply. but luck seemed to have left my side.

a series of unfortunate events occured. my pc used to have 2 hard drives, both divided into two so it looked like i had 4 hard drives. i was confident my files are safe in both drives but i still burned back-ups,part by part everyday. then one day, one of it crashed. my files for portfolio were in that drive, my hires ilocos trips were there, & a lot more memorable photos were still in that drive. i had it taken to the technician hoping he would get to recover my files but he said it's hopeless since it has crashed and is completely broken. since that day, i never finished my portfolio.i've got all my plans delayed.

just two weeks before the deadline i gave myself in completing all the requirements needed to apply for a job, i got sick. i would suddenly have high fever but it's not flu cuz i didn't have cough & colds. that time, it took me almost 3 days without getting checked by the doctor thinking it was just some fever & also, we were broke then. i know how painful it is for my mom to see me in pain, complaining every now & then. she whisperd to me one time saying, "i'm sorry anak, ndi kita mapa-check up,wala pa tayong pera", apologizing that she can't take me to see a doctor cuz we're broke. it is much painful for me too cuz i know i'm of no help to them cuz i'm jobless & now i serve as a burden for getting sick.

the day came that i was taken to the nearest clinic to get checked. i was diagnosed with Urinary Tract Infection. Finally, i would get better with the antibiotics i would take. but for a week, i would still get high fever at night plus, i got overdosed with the antibiotics. The doctor advised me to take 200mg, twice a day. the pharmacist gave us 400mg without letting us know that 200mg was unavailable that time & i'm not used into reading details on blister packs of pills. i took thrice one time which totalled to 1200mg in a day!it caused me severe headache for three days!it was more painful than a migrane!it made me feel nauseaus with just a minimal move.

but i'm all better now. going back online, finding out that all the companies i was to apply for closed already. i attempted doing freelance but then gave up cuz i always end up doing it for free plus my pc system is too weak now for graphics. i'm penny less, jobless & hopeless. i would like to meet up with my friends i haven't seen for years but then again, i'm pennyless, jobless & hopeless. *sigh...

is this self-pity?i tried living the life of an optimist, like my friend louh, who i've never seen doing some self-pity, never had rants, just always smiley & happy & seems to always be happy & thankful of everything around him. me, i always end up ranting,blaming myself, doing self-pity & blogging. maybe this is why blogging is very effective for me.

today, is the day i realized i should be bothered of how i'm becoming as each day passes. all my dreams when i was studying are coming back & i'm not doing anything to pursue them. my dream back then, was to finish my studies, get a job,earn big, earn enough to support my family, so that i can tell my dad to retire, go home,stay in the country with us. such a big dream eh? & with what i'm doing now,i'm not even starting to turn them into reality. i'm really hopeless...

i would want to quit this lifestyle as soon as possible, it's so frustrating...